


I Will See You As You Are

by Growing_ivy_inmymind



Series: Five Senses, All For You [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, And he is hardcore crushing on Daichi, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bi Sawamura Daich, Childhood Friends, Daich is out, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Blame Tumblr, I Tried, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Ignoring Feeling, Light Angst, M/M, Oblivious Sawamura Daichi, Someone Help Them, Suga is gay, Suga loves his place in the closet, more or less, someone help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-07-23 06:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20004124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Growing_ivy_inmymind/pseuds/Growing_ivy_inmymind
Summary: Daichi and Koushi had been friends since forever, they grew up together. They have seen each other at their best, their worst, and all the embarrassing moments in between. The butterflies in Koushi's stomach were a normal thing, right?





	I Will See You As You Are

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mooifyourecows](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mooifyourecows/gifts).



> Depression and panic attacks; read at your own risk.
> 
> Moo, this is a thank you for your amazing (and heartbreakingly angsty) DaiSuga works that are slowly killing me.

Koushi had the closing shift again. He sighed and opened his messages. He opened his conversation with Daichi and told his that he wouldn't be back in time for dinner. Koushi stuffed his phone into his bag and clocked in.

He was about to spend almost nine hours behind the counter taking peoples money for coffee and scones. There were about a million other ways he could be spending his time. Like binging Harry Potter on their couch with Daichi.

It was one order after the other. Caffeine Dive was never slow, and every other costumer made Koushi regret his decision to work there. He didn't even see anyones faces anymore, only their hands as they passed him their money. That is why when he heard a familiar voice his snapped up.

"Tall iced chai." Daichi said, a mischievous smile on his face. "Oh, and a scone."

Koushi dutifully wrung up his roommates order and took the money handed to him. "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to study in the library."

"Yeah and I said that I was go home to cook dinner around nine. It's almost nine forty five." Daichi looked mildly concerned at his best friends lacking sense of time.

Looking at the time on the computer, Koushi saw that he only had an hour and a half before he had to start closing. "Oh."

"We really need to teach you about clocks and how they work." Daichi teased as he grabbed the pastry Koushi was handing him.

Koushi glared at him as Daichi laughed and found a seat along the far wall. He turned to the next person in line and tried to look like he wasn't dead inside. Out of the corner of his eye, Koushi could see Daichi pulling out his books to continue studying, that fucker was going to make the last hour and a half go slower than a snail race.

The only time Daichi got up from his spot was to grab his drink when it was ready.

At eleven, one of his co-workers locked the door and announced to everyone that was still sitting at the tables they needed to wrap up what they were doing and everyone on line had to get their drinks to go. No one seemed to hear her, or if they did, they were taking their time. Daichi was the only one who seemed to actively start to pack up.

Once the line was gone, and all the tables, save for Daichi's were empty, Koushi and Kiyoko went about sweeping and wiping down tables and counters. When Koushi came back from cleaning the bathrooms, he saw Daichi talking to Kiyoko. The sight sent a strange twinge through his heart, that was gone almost as fast as it came. But the wearryness it brought remained. Koushi couldn't quite name the exact emotion, and he didn't want to either.

Whatever he had said had Kiyoko laughing. Daichi was cut short when her phone started ringing. Kiyoko excused herself as she wandered back to the breakroom to collect her things.

Koushi put the cleaning supplies back where they belonged and did one more round behind the counter to make sure everything was clean, dry, and put back in its place for the morning crew.

"Are you ok to finish by yourself, Koushi?" Kiyoko reemerged, bag hiked high on her shoulder and a neatly wrapped box under her arm. "Hitoka is falling asleep and I didn't get a chance to give this to her this morning." She explained, a small blush spreading over her cheeks.

"Yeah, I got it. Have a good night." Koushi said, watching as she waved and swiftly made her way to the door. 

"She said it was her girlfriends birthday and she was gone before Kiyoko woke up thing morning." Daichi explained, standing and grabbing his own bag.

Koushi wanted to slap himself, for being jealous of his lesbian co-worker who has been in a committed relationship for the last four years. He couldn't believe he forgot, or that he was jealous of someone who talked to Daichi.

"I'll be right. Need to grab my things." Was how Koushi respond, sounding snippy, even to his own ears.

He didn't realize Daichi had followed him to the break room until he spoke. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Fine." Lie. "I'm just hungry. Haven't eaten since lunch."

"I'll make something for you when we get home." Daichi said, watching as Koushi stuffed his books into his bag.

He wouldn't admit it, but Koushi's heart fluttered a little at what Daichi said, and how he said it. "Okay, let's get going then, before I start eating my jacket."

Daichi laughed, leading the way back into the shop, holding the door open. "I will not be responsible for whatever happens if you do that."

"Oh?" Koushi turned off all the lights and walked through the open door. "Why not?You're the one who convinced me to work here What was it you said? 'Popularity means more hours which means more money'? Yeah, I think that was it. Therefor, you are to blame for the fact I only have twenty minutes to try and get food from the nearest store. Which, by the way, is a fifteen minute run, one way. Or get fat eating the scones and cookies that we sell." Koushi explained with a light tone.

"You get very aggressive when you're hungry, did you know that?" Daichi mused as he dodged a punch.

"You might have said that once or twice before." Koushi's good mood was back. Mostly.

The walk to their apartment was short but nice. They didn't say anymore, letting the early autumn air blow the sounds of midnight all around them, but the dark mood that appeared in the shop stayed with him.

At their building, Daichi unlocked the gate and held it open before following behind Koushi up the stairs. Koushi repeated the movements and waited for Daichi to pass. They both toed off their shoes and threw their bags on the entry hall table.

"Do you want anything to eat? I had planned to make miso but if you want something else I can-"

"It's fine, Dai. I'm not all that hungry." Koushi interrupted, only wanting to lie on the couch.

"Nope. Not an option. I know for a fact that you haven't eaten since lunch and it is almost one in the morning. I don't care if it's just some crackers, but you need to eat." Daichi walked to the kitchen and opened and closed the pantry door.

Koushi didn't want to eat, he didn't want to sleep, he just wanted to lie down...and maybe fall into a coma. A coma sounded nice. He wouldn't need to wake up, he had a valid excuse for not going to work or classes, he wouldn't feel the emptiness in his chest.

"Koushi?" Daichi called from the kitchen. He got no reply. "Kou?" He asked again, softly. "Koushi." Daichi had walked back to the entry hall to find that Koushi hadn't moved. "Kou? Are you ok?"

Koushi knew he had to answer. He knew that Daichi would prefer the truth. But the truth was exhausting and made him look pathetic. So he lied. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just tired."

"Okay." Daichi didn't sound convinced. "But you still need to eat something. Don't make me sit on you and force food down your throat."

"If I eat some almonds, can I go to sleep?" An almost there smile made its way onto his face.

"Yes. C'mon," Daichi nudged Koushi with his knee. "It'll be uncomfortable to eat and sleep here, despite what you've told yourself."

With great effort, Koushi stood and followed Daichi into their kitchen. The sound of almonds falling into a little glass bowl filled the apartment. Koushi sat at the bar and laid his head down on the cool countertop and closed his eyes. A glass filling with water resounded next, followed by glass sliding over the marble, causing Koushi to open his eyes.

"Koushi." Daichi waited for him to lift his head an meet his eyes. "What's wrong. And don't say you're tired cause I know that's not all of it. I want to help if I can."

Koushi had to look away. Daichi's mocha brown eyes had so much concern and worry and kindness in them it hurt. "I'm tired and exhausted." Exhausted. That was their code for 'I'm ready to take a nap in a six foot deep hole.' Their code for 'I will thank you for stabbing me.' Their code for 'life sucks and I don't want to do it anymore.' 

"Oh." Daichi paused, and Koushi couldn't bring himself to look up, to see what kind of 'oh' that was. "Alright. Eat and drink that, then meet me in my room." Daichi pushed the cup and bowl once more then headed to his room down the hall.

Koushi managed to nibble on half of what was in the bowl and drank most of the water before he felt like if he had any more he'd be sick. He stood, poured the remaining almonds back into their bag and refilled the cup with water. He wandered down the hall to Daichi's room and knocked on the closed door.

"Give me just one more minute." Echoed from the other side of the door. Koushi slid down the wall and closed his eyes, he could feel a headache working it's way behind his eyes.

The door opened soon after and Daichi crawled out, eye level with Koushi. "Come on in. I need to grab a few more things but other than that, it's ready for us." Daichi crawled out into the hall and gently pushed Koushi into his room.

Daichi's dark blue sheets were tied or held in place with books above his head, fairy lights lying on top of them, making the illusion of the night sky. The comforter was spread out on the floor and Daichi's few pillows were in a pile in the far corner. Daichi had made their safe place. It was all he could do not to cry.

"Make way." Koushi turned at Daichi's voice, only to see him dragging Koushi's pillows and blankets and stuffed animals and anything else that he deemed necessary. 

Koushi scooted almost all the way under Daichi's desk so he could finish setting up. Daichi moved over to the pillow pile and arranged them into a mound, scattering the stuffed animals on either side. He patted the pillow pile, silently telling Koushi to move his ass over there. Once leaning against the pillows, Daichi turned and grabbed his laptop from under the chair and settled down next to Koushi.

He was so close, their arms were touching, Koushi could feel Daichi's warmth. He wanted more of it.

Daichi threw Koushi's blanket over the two of them. Daichi situated the laptop on his lap and pressed play at the movie that was all queued up. It was Mulan, Koushi's favorite.

Dauchi paused the movie once more. "Wait, before we start," he held out his hand. "Phone please." Koushi handed it over without a word. "First off, do you have work tomorrow?"

"No. Why?"

"Ok, now, is there someone in your class who takes good notes?" 

"Bokuto but why-"

Daichi opened the phone, pulled up Koushi's texts with the hyperactive owl and said 'I won't be at class tomorrow can you take notes for me?'

The reply was instant. 'Sure, man, hope everything's ok.'

"Okay, now that that's out of the way, we're not leaving this spot until you feel better."

Koushi was trying so hard not to cry. The movie started and Koushi relaxed against Daichi's shoulder.

Neither of them were really watching it. Sure their eyes were on the screen but neither of them were hearing the voices, seeing the calming animation style. They were listening to each other breathing and watching each other out of the corner of their eyes. So it really shouldn't have been a surprise to Koushi when Daichi took a deep breath, preparing to ask a hard question.

"Do you want to talk about it?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Not yet." Was all Koushi had the energy to say.

Mulan was on the roof by the time Daichi knew for certain Koushi was asleep. He finished watching the movie by himself then shut his laptop and slid it away. Daichi looked down, to make sure that his movements hadn't woken up the boy with starlight hair. Koushi was still fast asleep, his mouth slightly open. He was curled in a ball, hugging Daichi's arm like it was a life line.

A soft smile made its way onto the brunets face. He shifted once more, this time to slid his arm from Koushi's grasp to around his shoulder. The movement caused Koushi to uncurl himself and drape an arm over Daichi's stomach. Daichi's stomach got incredibly warm and started doing flips.

He wish that he could stay like this forever, but he knew that reality was waiting, teeth bared, right outside his door.

Daichi couldn't sleep. His stomach was too restless and his mind was running laps. Koushi knew that Daichi was somewhere on the bisexual spectrum. But Daichi had no idea where Koushi was, whether he liked girls, boys, both, anything, nothing. He just didn't know and it was driving him mad.

Some time around four is when Daichi was finally able to fall asleep. It didn't last very long though. Daichi woke up to a soft whimpering. He knew who was making it and that there was nothing he could do to help except hold him closer. Some time in the night, Koushi had turned over, his back facing Daichi. So Daichi gently pulled the other closer, his back flush against his chest.

It felt so easy, being like this. So close to one another. It felt right. It felt comfortable. Familiar. Like pulling on a sweater that was years old and worn and faded and ripped and smelled like home. Smelled like each other. 

Another soft noise came from Koushi. It wasn't one of fear or discomfort. He sounded content. Peaceful.

That small smile made its way back to Daichi's features. The warm feeling in his chest compelling him to hold Koushi just a little bit tighter. Just a little bit closer. Just a little bit longer.

Daichi fell asleep soon after. 

He woke up hours later to the sun pushing through the curtains. Koushi was still fast asleep. They were in the same position they had been in when Daichi fell asleep the second time. He dared not move, knowing that if the alarm had gone off, Koushi would be halfway through his second class of the day. Koushi needed the time to rest and relax in the bubble Daichi had created for the two of them.

Daichi was so tempted to lean his head forward the slightest bit to rest his forehead on Koushi's shoulder. He thought about it for barely one second more before thinking 'fuck it.' Daichi wasn't ashamed or afraid to let Koushi know that he wanted more. If it turned out that Koushi didn't want that, or think of him the same way, Daichi would be an adult and accept that.

When Koushi finally woke up, he could feel Daichi's warmth, he could feel the grounding sensation that was Daichi. He could feel the calm that came from being near Daichi. He could feel Daichi.

"Afternoon." Daichi hummed against his neck, sending a chill down his back.

Koushi was so happy to wake up in Daichi's arms, but even stronger than that joy was the emptiness that was always with him. He hated it. Koushi hated how tired it made him feel, he hated how it made it so hard to deal with people. But mostly he hated how much harder it was to be around Daichi. He didn't have any energy, even to just say hi back. All he was able to manage was a soft, tired sounding hum.

Daichi didn't speak for a long moment, Koushi was scared that he was going to leave. But he didn't, instead he asked, "do you want to watch another movie?"

Koushi nodded and waited for the loss that was bound to come when Daichi unwound himself and sat up. But that feeling never came. Daichi only shifted slightly, rolling onto his back, reaching behind him for the laptop and set it near his hip before turning back to the boy in his arms.

Daichi let out a soft chuckle before tightly wrapping his arms around Koushi, who let out a small squeak at the sudden movements. Daichi rolled onto his back, taking a limp Koushi with him. He sat them up and let go to place the pillows into one tall, sturdy pile, to support both their weight. Daichi leaned back and Koushi made himself comfortable resting on Daichi's chest.

Daichi pulled the laptop onto their laps and let Koushi browse for a move as he watch the heavy way Koushi moved.

He chose an action movie this time. They half watched as the characters fought.

Halfway through the movie, Koushi took a few deep breaths, preparing to talk.

"A friend of mine," he paused, taking another deep breath as Daichi tried not to smile. Years ago, they got into the habit of giving imaginary friends their problems so they were easier to talk about. "He likes someone. A lot. And his really, really scared that if he says anything, or does anything, his crush won't like him back. He's scared because if they can't work it out, he'll ruin their friendship. And as hard as it is for my friend to try and ignore his crush, he knows that if he couldn't still be friends and be around him, he would probably never move again."

It hurt Daichi. Because he knew that Koushi had his good days and his bad days. But there were times that he didn't see him for days on end, like when he goes to see his family or on a trip with his classmates, and when he'd come back he could tell that Koushi hadn't eaten, barely slept, and more than likely only left the apartment for work, not even bothering with his classes. It hurt him to realize that Koushi was good with him. To realize that his presence had such a big impact on his childhood friend.

"And what if..." Daichi's voice broke when he tried to speak. He cleared his throat and tried again. "What if your friends crush likes him back? That he's been waiting for any indication that it was ok for him to push that boundary?"

Koushi tensed and didn't respond. Daichi could feel his friends labored breathing against his chest, and the rapid rise in his heart beat. Daichi expected that would happen, but he had also expected Koushi to relax and calm down soon after. So when he didn't Daichi knew what was happening.

Daichi had only seen the other have an attack two other times before. The first time was the most terrifying for Daichi, and he could only imagine how Koushi had felt. They had been at some convention or other, very public, lots of people, not a lot of room. Koushi froze, his breathing got shorter and there was a panicked, helpless look in his darting eyes. Daichi didn't know what was going on, but he knew that he didn't want to lose Koushi so he pulled him to the nearest wall, if not for a little more privacy, then for just a little more elbow room. Daichi remembered taking the others face in his hands and making Koushi focus on Daichi. It had taken a few minutes, but Koushi finally calmed down enough for them to brave the crowds long enough to get outside.

The second time was just as sudden, but Daichi was a little more prepared for it. After Koushi was calm again, he had explained that he had these attacks more often than either of them liked. That day, Daichi had promised himself, as well as Koushi that he would try his best to keep Kouhsi safe. Koushi started crying at the promise.

Today, however, Daichi was ready for it. He had done research, read articles, read accounts, read theories, he knew enough to know that each possible solution would depend on each individual. But Daichi knew Koushi like the back of his hand. 

He quickly moved the computer out of the way and laid Koushi on his back, letting him roll onto his side to curl into a ball. It was his comfort pose, it made him feel safe. Daichi laid down next to him, wrapped his arms around Koushi, placing one hand over his racing heart, the other found where Koushi's hands were clasped in front of him. Daichi held him close to his chest and focused on his own breathing, focused on keeping his own heartbeat steady. He started talking, keeping his voice low and soft. He didn't talk about anything in particular, just made sure that it was a safe topic for Koushi, which was harder than in sounded. But Daichi did it anyway. 

First Koushi's breathing started to normalize. Then his heartbeat slowed to almost normal. Finally his body started to relax, his hands unclenched and he uncurled the slightest bit.

Daichi stopped talking, letting the sound of their breathing fill the space around them, but he didn't let go of Koushi.

They stayed like that for a long time, neither wanted to risk moving or talking.

They would have stayed longer if their stomachs didn't growl, asking for food. Daichi laughed and Koushi managed a week smile. Koushi was the first to move, straightening his legs and pushing up on his arms, Daichi mimicked the movements shortly after.

They crawled out of the fort and into the hall. When they stood, Daichi wasted no time in taking Koushi's hand and gently pulling him down the hall and to the kitchen. Koushi sat on at the counter, like the night before and watched as Daichi walked around the kitchen grabbing bowls and spoons, the cereal and milk. He poured the cereal and milk and put them back in their places before pulling his stool close to Koushi's.

They ate in silence, only the metal clinking on ceramic filling the silence. 

Koushi didn't want to disrupt the peace, but he need to ask. Thinking about it scared him, a lot. Scared him enough to make his breathing short and choppy. Daichi, as attentive as ever, grabbed his hand and rubbed circles with his thumb. Koushi forced a deep breath into his lungs and let it out. "Did. . .did you. . .did you mean it?"

Daichi finished chewing and laced his fingers through Koushi's and squeezed. "Yes." His deep tone was comforting, solid. 

It made Koushi's heart beat rise, but this time for all the right reasons. A small smile made it's way onto his lips, not without effort, and he held onto Daichi's hand a little tighter.

In that moment, he knew. He knew he would be okay. He knew that no matter what, Daichi would be there. Daichi would be there to help him when he was too scared to ask for it, to hold him when he needed it, to give him space when he asked for it and be right back at his side, holding his hand the second he started to get bad again. He knew that Daichi would make everything okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me! I love these boys and would die for them.
> 
> Also. . . .HAHAHAH SIKE!! I bet you thought I was going to use the 'kissing to stop the panic attack' trope.
> 
> And, I'd like to congratulate myself. This is the first work that I actually finished!! You guys don't understand how hard it is for me to work on something and actually finish it.
> 
> Come scream at me or with me on [Tumblr.](https://weird-things-to-you.tumblr.com/)


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